Over the past six weeks I have been really sick… not that I tell you this for sympathy, well maybe a little, but as a reason for you to stop and look at yourself. I started with a terrible ongoing headache which was singularly located and progressed to complete tiredness in all areas, lack of appetite and no ability to focus or concentrate, yes we were worried there for a time and I am still going through tests, just to be sure, however during this period of time I have been forced to STOP. I have been forced to QUESTION and I have been forced to give myself some ANSWERS, and the realization…How It Hurts.
Firstly, am I being the best person I can be for myself?
Am I giving my family all I can give them?
Am I giving my clients the best possible service?
The answers to all of these questions was NO…this realization was upsetting and hurt.
I was not being the best person to myself because I was over-working which I had promised myself many years ago never to visit again, so questioning what draws me to this over-work need? I can hear you all screaming at me…. fear, failure, not good enough….. mmmmm
Second because of this over-working what was I not doing? Spending quality time with my family, ‘I just need to…’, ‘I have a presentation in the morning… ‘ you name it, so many reasons to be in the office and not with my family, where is the balance I promised myself?
Thirdly, my clients. How can I possibly be giving my clients the best parts of me when I am still in the room with the visitor before or thinking about the next visitor, not making enough time to think about each of their personal needs so I can best support them during their time with me.
All of these realisations are painful, hurt my head more and have been slow to materialise as has the energy to make a transition.
This time has allowed me to also see a number of things…. How wonderfully lucky I am to have such an awesome vocation as helping young people, as I passionately love what I do and know I am on the right path finally after many years. How awesomely lucky I am to have the family I have that fully understand the work I do, how taxing it can be and how fabulous my visitors feel when they have left me so they are behind me 100% when I am studying, when I am working and when I run away and hide whilst walking my lovely dogs! And how amazing my clients are who supported me all the way with concern and worry when I had to stop everything without huge explanations except, I am sick and need to rest. They were all there to support and enquire how I was which boosted my confidence and steadfastly helped me on the road to recovery and get back to further support them.
I am so grateful for this time, although being unwell is not pleasant, I have seen a side of myself that I was concealing and trying hard not to look at, thinking I can support and understand and help without being true to myself. This is not genuine and not whole.
It has opened my eyes to my fears and shown me what I am, how I move forward from here will be with my eyes open and questioning, it is a little scary and is never full-proof which life is not; being open to my fears, difficulties and challenges shows all I come into contact with that I am human, that’s all any of us can ask for.